SPOCK: On my planet, to rest is to rest — to cease using energy. To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, instead of saving it.
Star Trek, “Shore Leave”, stardate 3025.2
Unlike my 2024 post, I intend to really take time off this time.
The truth is, is that I am deeply burned out. My wife and discussed this recently, and the chaos of preparing our firstborn for college, and our second-born ready for middle school, plus work demands have left us deeply exhausted. When we described it to one another, we quickly concluded that we were not depressed, just burned out. As parents, we had been running at full speed for almost two years, and now that things have quieted down, the fatigue finally caught up to us.
So, for the rest of 2025, I want to just sit around and do nothing: no personal projects, blogging, etc. I do plan to do some light reading (including some new books I picked up), play more soloThe One Ring RPG, watch more Star Trek,1 maybe finally finish painting some figurines that have sat half-completed for a year. I have one more blog post in the works, but otherwise, I’m taking some much needed personal downtime.
Just some of my unfinished painted figurines…
Thank you all for your understanding, and I wish you both a happy holidays and a wonderful new year!
1 I also recently picked up the Star Trek Adventures role-playing game from Modiphius as well, but I haven’t progressed very far in learning the game yet.
A sample “Bodhi Day” shrine we setup in years past…
Buddhist holidays are few and far between, especially in overseas (non-Buddhist cultures), but since we raise our kids both through Japanese and American culture, I try to give them a unique, memorable tradition for the holidays. So, when the kids were young, I borrowed the Japanese-Buddhist holiday of Jodo-é (成道会) and adapted it for American Christmas culture. This holiday is better known in English as Bodhi Day and is observed on December 8th every year.1
Bodhi Day, sometimes incorrectly called Rōhatsu (臘八) in Zen-specific contexts,2 celebrates the awakening of Shakyamuni Buddha, the historical founder of Buddhism. It is the day where the Buddha is said to have meditated under the Bodhi Tree, saw his past lives laid out before him, resisted the temptations of Mara, and in the early morning broke through the wall of ignorance to see things as they were. By awakening thus, he is called a buddha (lit. “an awakened one”).
So, at the time, I took inspiration from our local Japanese-American temple (which had a great kid’s program), and made a “Bodhi Tree”: a miniature Christmas tree that a statue of the Buddha sits under. After that, I setup a small Buddhist-style shrine with an offering plate, water, bell, LED candle, etc. You can see an example above from years ago.
Also, to make it fun for the kids, I always give a gift on Bodhi Day, usually books they like. Such gifts don’t have to be Buddhist books, just something they would enjoy reading.3 Also, we usually have a fun family dinner together, and I usually read the story of the Buddha from an old Japanese-manga I found years ago. These celebrations are not strictly “Buddhist”, but it’s something festive and wholesome with the family, while celebrating the enlightenment of Shakyamuni Buddha,4 in a way that blends American traditions with Japanese ones.
Anyhow, Bodhi Day is 8 days away, so until then, hoping you all have a great week!
Namu Shakamuni Butsu
1 Many other Buddhist traditions still use the lunar calendar, so the dates will vary. I like using the Japanese version with the solar calendar because it’s easier to predict and blends into holiday season more easily.
2 The problem with the term Rohatsu 臘八 is that is refers only to the Zen practice of sesshin or dedicated meditation practice (i.e. a kind of austere retreat). This is obviously unsuitable for kids, and even in Japanese Zen, the holiday is called generally calledJōdō-é (成道会) among lay followers. So, calling it Rohatsu is misleading, and too narrow to be useful anyway.
3 When you are a kid, the last thing you want is religious books. So, I give fun books, comic books, etc.
4 The enlightenment story of Shakyamuni Buddha also serves as a template for other Buddhas and their enlightenment stories in Buddhist literature, too. See the preamble for the Larger Sutra of the Buddha of Immeasurable Life as an example.
Recently, while cleaning out old notes from my mobile phone, I found this quote from the massive Buddhist text, the Avatamsaka Sutra (a.k.a. “The Flower Garland Sutra”) which I apparently saved in 2022 (!). I cannot remember where in the sutra this quote comes from, but I probably meant to post about it sooner than later. So… three years later I am finally posting this quote:
The peaceful nature of the buddhas cannot be known
By the covetous or the malevolent,
Or by those shrouded in the darkness of delusion,
Of those whose minds are defiled by hypocrisy and conceit.
Translation by J.C. Cleary
As we’ve seen with the Yogacara school of Buddhism, what we think and do helps “color” the world we also perceive, and thus becomes a feedback loop. Thus, someone who is prone to lying assumes others lie too. Someone who is aggressive or domineering fears others will dominate him, and so on. This is the world they perceive because their minds harbor such thoughts. In the Pali Canon is a sutra wherein the usurper king Ajātasattu visits the Buddha for some spiritual advice. Later, the Buddha laments that due to Ajātasattu’s prior patricide, his spiritual progress will be limited at best.
Thus, the Flower Garland Sutra says that evil men cannot “see” the Buddha because their minds are too clouded by greed, anger and arrogance. Of course, they can physically see a statue or image, but they may learn little or nothing from it. They may as well be living on another planet. It does not resonate with them, and so they miss out on learning the Dharma. They will fall into evil rebirths, and may not gain another opportunity for generations, centuries, possibly longer.
Conversely, one who lives a clean life, and avoids harboring greed, anger, and arrogance will see the Buddhas. I don’t necessarily mean in terms of visions and such,1 but they will see the Buddha-Dharma everywhere (even in awful places and situations), and learn from it. From there, their perception will only continue to grow and mature, leading to greater wisdom.
This idea isn’t limited to the Flower Garland Sutra. The famous sixteenth chapter of the Lotus Sutra basically says the same thing: those who live upright see the Buddha and his Pure Land here and now.
So, take heart. If you strive to keep your “house in order”, and avoid harboring ill-will and such, you will not fail to see the Buddha someday.
1 True story: in my 20’s, when my oldest daughter was a baby, and I was first exploring Pure Land Buddhism, I once had a really vivid dream, where I was offering armfuls of incense sticks at the feet of a statue of Kannon Bodhisattva. It’s the one and only time I’ve had a “Buddhist dream”, but I suppose it can happen to anyone.
Spock: Mr Scott, there was no deity involved. It was my cross-circuiting to B that recovered them.
McCoy: Then thank pitchforks and pointed ears.
Star Trek, “Obsession” (s2:ep13), stardate 3620.7
In the host of world religions, Buddhism occupies a strange place. In one sense, it is a world religion because it is followed by many different peoples, cultures, and languages throughout its 2,500 year history.
But unlike other world religions there is no central deity, no creator.
Hold on, you might be thinking, what about the Buddha?
The Buddha is the central figure of Buddhism. He is the teacher, but in the Buddhist tradition he was once a person, just like you and me, who through countless lifetimes as a bodhisattva fully accomplished the path and awakened to the Dharma: the principles of existence. He taught the Dharma to his disciples, and they became the first generation of the Sangha, the community.
Thus, these comprise the Three Treasures of Buddhism.
But why do people pray to the Buddha?
Because the Buddha and all other such figures in Buddhism are not passive. The Buddha taught the Dharma out of compassion and goodwill for all beings, and the countless Bodhisattvas such as Kannon guide any sentient beings who take up the Buddhist path. Amida Buddha provides a refuge for all beings who wish to be reborn there.
Kannon (観音) Bodhisattva in her more motherly form.
The underlying theme isn’t Enlightenment for Enlightenment’s sake. It is to help beings who suffer so that eventually they too may reach Buddhahood (a.k.a. Enlightenment).
One does not have to pray to the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. The most important thing is to put the Buddhist teachings into practice as one can. But in times of unease, uncertainty or crisis it’s perfectly fine to pray to a Buddha or Bodhisattva that you revere. I do it from time to time myself when I am worried about my kids, on plane flights, before surgery, etc.
But also, in the end, I am responsible for my choices, my words, and my thoughts.
When you plant melon seeds you get melons, and when you plant beans you get beans. [Effect follows causes] like a shadow follows a physical shape, like an echo responds to a sound. Nothing is sown in vain. This is called “believing in the result”.
Ou-yi’s Mind Seal of the Buddhas, translation by J. C. Clearly
I alone bear the fruits of my choices, words and thoughts.
In the old Chinese lunar calendar, on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month (i.e. full moon on the 8th month), many cultures across East Asia celebrate something called the Mid-Autumn Festival. This has various names depending on the country and language:
In Japan, this festival is called formally the Jūgoya (十五夜, “15th night”) festival, but in popular culture is known as Otsukimi (お月見, “moon viewing”). This year, due to the lunar calendar, Otsukimi falls somewhat late on October 6th. This festival is about viewing the moon with friends and family, while enjoying some dango (rice dumplings) using displays like so:
According to this excellent book on Japanese culture, people also decorate such displays with pampas grass (susuki, ススキ), edamamé beans and taro potatoes. Unlike cherry-blossom viewing, people do not usually get drunk.
Chinese moon cakes, called geppei (月餅) in Japanese, are sometimes eaten as well, though it’s more of an exotic treat. Here, moon cakes are easy to obtain, and quite delicious. Highly recommend. We also get the Korean version of dango (tteok, 떡) too.
In any case, Otsukimi is about relaxing, enjoying the autumn vibes with the ones you love. As my family and I live in the Pacific Northwest, weather here isn’t reliable, and so we often get stuck with cloudy weather. But the image of Otsukimi is still popular. You can even find an emoji for it: 🎑.
Also, fun fact: there are traditionally two days of moon-viewing in Japan. The main one is Jūgoya (十五夜, “15th night”), but traditionally there is also a Jūsanya (十三夜, “13th night”) viewing on the 13th night of the ninth (not eighth) lunar month. This year, 13th night falls on November 2nd. On the 13th night of the lunar month, people enjoy chestnuts instead. Traditionally, people felt you should view the moon on both nights, otherwise, according to my book, you only did katamitsuki (片見月, “one-sided viewing”), which wasn’t ideal.
By the way, there is one other tradition around this time that’s specifically Buddhist: Juya-é (十夜会, “ten nights ceremony”), which is ten nights of observance of Pure Land Buddhist practice, starting from October 5th to 14th in the Western calendar. I usually try to recite the nembutsu a full 1080 times using my old Jodo Shu rosary for ten nights. Easier said than done as a parent, but it’s nice to have a challenge from time to time. Traditionally, people try to attend temple services if possible, or just focus on good behavior.
Anyhow, wishing you all a fun Otsukimi, Mid-Autumn Festival, or Juya-e, etc., or all of the above!
Recently, I talked about the autobiography of Sayo Masuda, a former bath-house geisha who suffered a very difficult upbringing. Because she was born out of wedlock by a mother who rotated through one man after another, Sayo’s mother had too many kids and no financial support for them. Sayo was thus sold off as a child to indentured labor where she suffered greatly.
Reflecting back on this, she says in her autobiography:
Even now it fills me with anger: I want to rage against the miserable lives we lead, those of us who are born into this world as blots of sin because of a parent’s irresponsibility; I want to cry out that a life like mine must never be repeated. No matter how deep in disgrace, a human being is human, after all. The human spirit wanders ceaselessly in search of light; and if it finds a light of some sort, it strives somehow to get near it, struggling, writhing in anguish. Yet even as it writhes in anguish, it is drowned before it reaches the light. If you have the heart of a human being and you become the parent of a human being, then even if it exhausts every bit of your energy, until that child can walk alone I want you to do your duty as a parent.
Page 18
Speaking as a parent, I feel this too. Kids are born into your care (through your actions, obviously), so you owe it to them to provide the best possible life you can.
Recently, I reread a famous autobiography of a former “bathhouse” geisha titled Autobiography of a Geisha. The geisha in question, Sayo Masuda (1926? – 2008), lived a pretty horrible life and her story as a geisha is far from the glamorous stories normally told in English publications.
The short summary is that Sayo Masuda was a child born from an impoverished mother who cycled through a few husbands, and unable to feed or raise her kids. So, she sold some of the children off to indentured servitude. Sayo was one of them (she didn’t even know her name until her teenage years). The landlord family who took her in was very abusive and did nothing to support or raise her: she was another mouth to feed, and they did the bare minimum to raise her. Sayo never received a formal education, and was thus totally illiterate for life. Later, she was sold again as an indentured servitude to a local geisha house in Nagano Prefecture. Her geisha “mother” similarly abused her for minor infractions and made her work chores all day to support the existing geisha, until she was trained to be one as well.
The term geisha (芸者) is tricky because it means different things to different people. Much of it has been romanticized by Western media, but also by autobiographies like Iwasaki Mineko’s “Geisha, A Life“, which was told from the perspective of a very high-class geisha working in Kyoto.1 Sayo Masuda, by contrast, was a geisha at a provincial red-light district, so there was every expectation that she would be available for sexual favors and would have a danna (“patron”) well before she was 18. What separated provincial geisha from prostitutes mostly was mostly a degree of refinement and artistic skills (song, dance, conversation, etc).
It was a very nasty and cutthroat world she survived in:
Geisha can do horrid, spiteful things: they’ll attack one another tooth and nail, each trying to force the other out of the way. To someone who doesn’t know this world and sees only the surface of it, I suppose we must appear quite carefree; but inwardly were eternally weeping tears of pain and sorrow.
Page 70
Much of the biography covers her struggles to survive in a cutthroat world, but also her increasing shame as she got older, and felt that was not worthy of some of the kind men she would meet. Her sense of despair, guilt, and hopelessness only increased as she got older, and she wondered if she’d ever be more than a nasty, cutthroat geisha.
Diverging a bit, this sense of crushing hopelessness tied with evil is a bit theme in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, too. People who are corrupted and succumb to evil are those who are most often weighed down by guilt (Gollum), desperation (Boromir), or hopelessness (Denethor, steward of Gondor). Frodo the Ringbearer almost succumbs too, if not for the love and optimism of Samwise Gamgee. This is how evil works: not just through raw force, but also by breaking people down.
But I digress.
Sayo Masuda thankfully did have a happy (though bittersweet) ending where she finally found stable employment in spite of her literacy, and friends and family who supported her.
As I read this, I kept thinking over and over of a famous anecdote from the time of Honen, founder of the Pure Land sect (Jodo Shu) in Japan. Namely, when Honen was exiled to the provinces and encountered a woman of the night. She too lived a nasty, cruel life and wondered if she’d ever find salvation. Honen kindly told her:
“Your guilt in living such a life is surely great and the penalties seem incalculable. If you can find another means of livelihood, give this up at once. But if you can’t, or if you are not yet ready to sacrifice your very life for the true way, begin just as you are and call on the sacred name. It is for just such deluded folk as you that Amida Buddha made that wonderfully comprehensive Original Vow (hongan 本願). So put your full trust in it without the smallest reservation. If you rely upon the Original Vow and repeat the nenbutsu, your ojo is absolutely certain.”
Later, when Honen was pardoned and allowed to return to the capital, he found out that the woman had been inspired to take up the Buddhist path, and died as a nembutsu follower. He reportedly said:
“Yes, it is just as I had expected.”
This sense of redemption is one of the strongest aspects of Pure Land Buddhism to me. The transformation of “bits of rubble into gold” is something that appeals to myself and many others who struggle with teh Buddhist path, or just struggle in life. But the basic theme of Mahayana Buddhism is not just that all beings can be awakened as Buddhas, but given enough time they all will be awakened as Buddhas.
But even going allllll the way back to the earliest sermons (sutras) of the Buddha, we can see the symbolism of a lotus flower growing from the mud:
“Monks, just as a blue, red, or white lotus—born in the water, grown up in the water—stands having risen above the water, unsmeared by the water; in the same way, the Tathāgata—born in the world, grown up in the world—dwells having conquered the world, unsmeared by the world.”
The Puppha Sutta (SN 22:94), translation by Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu
And again later in the Amitabha Sutra in the Mahayana tradition, the Pure Land of Amida Buddha is described in terms of its lotus ponds:
The lotus-flowers in the lakes, large as chariot wheels, are blue-colored with blue splendor, yellow-colored with yellow splendor, red-colored with red splendor, whitecolored with white splendor, and (they are all) the most exquisite and purely fragrant.
English translation from the Chinese Version of Kumarajiva by Nishu Utsuki, The Educational Department of the West Hongwanji, Kyoto, Japan: 1924.
To reiterate, the idea of a lotus growing from the mud, unsullied by the mud was both intended to show the potential of all beings to awaken like the Buddha, but also the many colors of lotuses (in my opinion) show the diversity of followers from many walks of life.
Namu Shakamuni Butsu Namu Amida Butsu
1 She also had a pretty high opinion of herself, which was grating to read at times. I seriously doubt her experience is representative of a lot of women in the industry.
This past week, I have been in Dublin, Ireland. The purpose of this trip was (among other things) to help my daughter settle in to your her new life in Trinity College Dublin.
She graduated high school this year, and it’s been a slow-moving, emotional roller coaster as we come face to face to with the fact that our firstborn is leaving the nest. Of course, logically this was always going to happen, but actually facing it is harder than expected. As a father, she has been an important part of our life for the last 18 years, and the thought of letting her go especially in a place where I cannot protect her became increasingly stressful.
Dublin itself, is a great city: very walkable, safe in a way you don’t find in US cities,1 friendly people, and lots of awesome European food you can’t really find here in the West Coast.
A view of Dublin from my daughter’s accomadation
And yet, when my daughter and I arrived in Dublin, we had only five days to get setup with things like:
Apartment (student housing)
Bank account (since it’s a different country)
Mobile phone (same reason)
Figure out food sources
Figure out public transportation
Get some basic home goods since we couldn’t possibly bring it all from the States.
Meet some local friends we know to help my daughter establish a local support network, etc.
Out of those five days, I had to some work in Dublin as well (I couldn’t take five full days off), so it was more like three days.
The good news is that we quickly got many of these things sorted out. We found a good mobile service, found some groceries and good restaurants nearby, and her student accommodation is very close to the Luas tram, and the Luas runs often and is easy to get tickets for. If you visit Dublin, definitely learn to use the Luas.
However, during this time my stress and depression was very intense. As soon as my daughter was out of sight, I was full of fear of something bad happening to her (being a lone, young woman), and also really depressed to let her go. I remember a couple nights alone in the hotel where I hardly slept, partly due to jetlag, and partly due to sheer emotional stress.
But I thought about it, and I realized that beyond practical concerns, I was deeply clinging to my daughter. I like to think I was a pretty involved parent, and that I did my best to be both a good father and a friend, and suddenly 18 years of this was ripped away the moment that we set foot in Ireland, and my mind couldn’t handle the abrupt change. In short, I think part of my panic was grounded in ego as a parent. Once I realized my selfish ego was driving this panic, I paused.
Me having breakfast at a local Cafe Nerro in Temple Bar, while reading about the Heart Sutra.
Thinking about this further, the only way she would prosper was to let her get on her feet, help when she needs help, but otherwise, give her space to grown and learn. In short, I had to trust her.
This was hard at first, but I kept reminding myself “trust her, trust her” and by and by I learned to let go. Instead of constantly trying to protect her, I encouraged her, provided any advice I could, and let her explore the city herself. She got lost a couple times on the Luas (got off at the wrong stop), but soon she started finding shops she liked, and could get to and from Dublin city centre without issue.
So, by the end, things were looking up: my daughter was getting on her feet, and we had met a few friends who all happily wanted to help her, and we enjoyed some pub visits, and good European food.
The point of all this, I guess, is that if you are a parent, and you are dreading your children leaving the nest, ask yourself how much of this is concern for your kids, and how much of this is concern for yourself. My job, as a parent, is to provide a safe, loving environment as they grow, but I don’t own my kids. That’s just ego.
Namu Shakamuni Butsu
Update: After I wrote this post, my daughter texted us to let us know she had made some friends already. 🥰
P.S. Unrelated, but September 9th is the Day of the Chrysanthemum holiday in Japan. If you can, maybe decorate the house with a few chrysanthemums, or enjoy the weather with a friend. Happy Day of the Chrysanthemum to you all.
P.P.S. Happy Star Trek Day (September 8th)! Live long and prosper. 🖖🏼
1 It’s hard to explain: when I am in the US, there’s always a subtle feeling of tension. Not just recently, but even 15 years ago when I first came back to the US. When I am Ireland, everything feels more relaxed. The way people talk to one another, even when they tease each other, etc. Dublin city centre at night has plenty of drunks stumbling about, racial tension toward immigrants, and fist fights, but somehow everything feels less …. contentious. Since many Americans don’t travel, we don’t realize how wound up we are.
SPOCK: There are many who are uncomfortable with what we have created. It is almost a biological rebellion. A profound revulsion against the planned communities, the programming, the sterilised, artfully balanced atmospheres. They hunger for an Eden where spring comes.
Star Trek, “The Way to Eden” (s3e20), Stardate 5832.3
世の中よ道こそなけれ思ひ入る山の奥にも鹿ぞ鳴くなる。
Within this world there is, indeed, no path! Even deep in this mountains I have entered, heart set, I seem to hear the deer cry!
Recently, I came back from a camping trip, the last for our family before my daughter goes off to college. It was both good and bad. We stayed at Moran State Park on Orcas Island, Washington. I had been to Orcas Island a number of times over the years, but I had never really stayed there for personal reasons, so it was nice to explore at leisure for a change.
Cascade Lake near our campsite, which was very pristine and peaceful in the mornings. Our dog, Cherry, liked exploring here. The so-called “Indian Island” in Eastsound bay. This area was once a village belonging to a Salish people called the Lummi (official homepage), who grew camassia crops on that islet. A combination of disease from Westerners and raids by northern Salish tribes drove them to the mainland. That lone pine tree feels like a momument to the Lummi to me…A view from Mount Constitution, the highest peak on Orcas Island, facing eastward towards Washington State. I visited here many years ago as a kid on a school camping trip, but don’t remember much.
I posted the Star Trek quote above, not just because it sounds cool, but it does explore a side of us all: yearning for the simple country life. We all feel that revulsion toward modern life, and want to escape, yet even just after a couple days of camping in the woods, the smell of body-odor, noise from neighboring campers,1 and lack of food variety, Internet access, and electricity made us really eager to go back home. Even with modern amenities like gas stoves, freezer coolers and ready-made food (including instant ramen), it quickly gets old.
It wasn’t just me either. There was a lone woman camping just next to us. She brought her dog, and a stack of books to read, and seemed like an experienced camper, but it was clear that she wasn’t finding the solace she sought, and spent most of her time away from campsite to (presumably) find a quieter spot.
The fabled Eden sounds nice, but such a bucolic past probably never existed. Pre-modern life was in reality hard, exhausting, and safety was not always guaranteed.
Yet, modern life has its own challenges and dangers too. We might not die from dysentery anymore, but we often suffer obesity, isolation, and constant anxiety. We might not starve like our ancestors did, but we also eat some egregiously bad food thanks to mass-production and chemicals (including microplastics). Similarly, our fellow Man has replaced natural predators as the threat to our lives.
I don’t want to downplay the benefits of modern life, though.
The average2 lifespan of a human being in the 21st century is significantly longer than before. My little incident a couple years ago likely would have killed me before modern medicine. Dying in one’s forties was not uncommon in the pre-modern era. But the dangers of modern life are still there but now more subtle, yet catch up to us eventually.
In short, life is a struggle, no matter how long we live. Getting to old age without suffering any major health issues is something to be grateful for, but even more important is how you choose to live your life up to that point. As the Zen aphorism goes: every day is (sort of) a good day, so enjoy the moment, and try to live with some element of dignity and free of regrets.
Namu Shakamuni Butsu
1 There was a very rude family camped next to us. The mom kept yelling and swearing at her two toddler children, who in turn were constantly crying and talking back … at 4am in the morning. Ironically, the lady had a “Live Laugh Love” bumper sticker on her car.
2 The keyword here is “average”. A person in pre-modern times some people did live to their 80’s or 90’s, but the odds were against them. A single scratch leading to an infection, or a crippling injury, or a genetic precondition that we can treat now would often kill a younger person. So, if you did manage to live to a ripe old age, it was indeed a cause for celebration.
Ying Nan: You are a product of all who came before you. The legacy of your family, the good and the bad, it is all a part of who you are.
Shang-chi (2021)
My kids and I have been watching the Marvel MCU movies for years. My firstborn is particularly a Marvel fan since she was a little girl. Some of the movies are better than others (my personal favorite is Thor: Ragnarok),1 but we both really like the movie Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
When my wife (who is Japanese) and I first dated, there was an immediate clash of cultures. I was a generic American white kid who grew up in an impoverished broken home with lots of issues, my wife grew up in a working-class Japanese family that was not overly traditional, but still very Japanese compared to American standards. The fact we were dating in the first place was a bit awkward for her and her parents, whereas I hardly ever talked to my own parents.
The good news is that over time, we learned to understand one another, and that means that I too learned to appreciate her viewpoint sometimes. For example, family.
Even when she disagreed with her parents, she still respected them, and understood her family obligations. This was something frankly new to me because I openly rebelled against my parents, told my dad off, and hardly paid them any heed. I gradually did reconcile with my parents to some degree as I got older (and a bit wiser), to a level where we can get along, but more importantly I learned to accept that I am who I am due to my family. Like the quote above says, you can’t deny your own heritage, both the good and the bad, and that it does shape who you are.
But also, through my wife and through parenting myself, I learned that I do owe some level of gratitude to my parents for what they did. I chose not to be like my parents in how I raise my kids, but even that is something I learned from them.2 Thus, the lesson I learned from my wife is that I also have to be humble, and respectful to my parents enough to acknowledge what they’ve done for me, even if I disagree with them. This is a very Confucian outlook, but I can see the value in this.3
It rubs against my American sense of individualism, but I’ve found it a valuable lesson over the years, and something I think we can all learn from.
P.S. Xu Wenwu, the father in Shang-chi, is a great example of a plausible chaotic-evil person in Dungeons and Dragons: he craves absolute power and yet is also capable of being in love, being a father, etc. Yet, he inevitably bends everything toward evil or ruin, including his lawful-good wife, Ying Li. Tony Leung Chiu-wai‘s performance was excellent.
1 The Thor movies do a really nice job of weaving science fiction with magic and myth, much like Roger Zelazny did in his books generations ago (Lord of Light, the Amber Series, Creatures of Light and Darkness, etc.). Put simply, I like weird, transcendent stuff more than the “grounded” story lines like Captain America or Black Widow.
2 In Japanese there is a four-character phrase for this: hanmen kyōshi (反面教師) meaning to learn from a bad example (i.e. what not to do).
3 This importance in family isn’t even limited to Confucian-influenced cultures. You can find it in many unrelated world cultures where family is emphasized, and respect towards one’s ancestors. For whatever reason, it is not emphasized in Western culture, and maybe to our detriment I think.
Gleanings in Buddha-Fields 
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