Full Circle

SPOCK: There’s no further need to observe me, Doctor. As you can see, I’ve returned to the present in every sense. 

Star Trek, “All Our Yesteryears” (s3ep23), Stardate 5943.7

I spent this past week volunteering as a chaperone for my son’s school camping trip, which was chaotic and busy, but also bought me some much-needed quiet time to read and reflect on some things. Exhausting, but nice.

Lately, while reviewing some old Buddhist material, I realized that I had conflicting thoughts about my own Buddhist path. I have spent much of my past 20 years as a Buddhist following the Pure Land path, especially Jodo-Shu/Jodo-Shinshu sect Buddhism, and this is reflected in many posts here, including recent posts like this one. This has been really formative to my understanding of Buddhist religion and teachings.

And yet, the reason why I left my old community nearly 10 years ago was that I felt there was more to Buddhism than just passively allowing the power of Amida Buddha to lead me (i.e. tariki 他力 in Japanese-Buddhist parlance). I wanted to pursue other facets, more active practices, and so on. This is reflected in my exploration of Buddhism in general, including recent posts like this one. But even then, I never could quite pin down what I should do for Buddhist practice, or what to prioritize. I had a general sense of things, but struggled to articulate what I think I should do.

So, for some time now, I have been plagued with self-doubt, and feeling conflicted about how best to be a “good Buddhist”. I was worried that I had lost my way. I read a few sources from different Buddhist traditions in my spare time, but it only made me feel more confused.

So, I decided to get back to basics. Using my spare time at camp, I started writing down what I genuinely believed in, and not what a particular tradition dictated to me. I didn’t have a lot of time, so I would just jot down notes on my phone, a sentence here or there. Over a few days, I had a list of items, and they had certain recurring themes. I was relieved to see that I came to the same conclusions as before, but now with a greater sense of conviction. What a relief.

I felt a bit like Captain Kirk in the season one Star Trek episode “This Side of Paradise” (s1ep24), after he has been affected by the mind-control spores. He is just about to leave the ship for good, but at the last minute, he comes to his senses and realizes that what he really valued was the ship, and his role as captain. It was as if he came out of a fever dream. This is how it felt for me.

But also with this new sense of conviction, I will probably be changing tack a little bit on the blog. Nothing dramatic, but I feel that it’s time to close the book on certain topics, and focus on other things that I want to explore more. Time will tell, but that’s what I want to do for some upcoming blog posts.

Thanks for reading!

Namu Shakamuni Butsu

P.S. Photos from camp.

P.P.S. Bonus episode this week. I felt like posting sooner than later. Enjoy!