Letting Go Of College-Age Children

Hello readers,

This past week, I have been in Dublin, Ireland. The purpose of this trip was (among other things) to help my daughter settle in to your her new life in Trinity College Dublin.

She graduated high school this year, and it’s been a slow-moving, emotional roller coaster as we come face to face to with the fact that our firstborn is leaving the nest. Of course, logically this was always going to happen, but actually facing it is harder than expected. As a father, she has been an important part of our life for the last 18 years, and the thought of letting her go especially in a place where I cannot protect her became increasingly stressful.

Dublin itself, is a great city: very walkable, safe in a way you don’t find in US cities,¹ friendly people, and lots of awesome European food you can’t really find here in the West Coast.

And yet, when my daughter and I arrived in Dublin, we had only five days to get setup with things like:

• Apartment (student housing)
• Bank account (since it’s a different country)
• Mobile phone (same reason)
• Figure out food sources
• Figure out public transportation
• Get some basic home goods since we couldn’t possibly bring it all from the States.
• Meet some local friends we know to help my daughter establish a local support network, etc.

Out of those five days, I had to some work in Dublin as well (I couldn’t take five full days off), so it was more like three days.

The good news is that we quickly got many of these things sorted out. We found a good mobile service, found some groceries and good restaurants nearby, and her student accommodation is very close to the Luas tram, and the Luas runs often and is easy to get tickets for. If you visit Dublin, definitely learn to use the Luas.

However, during this time my stress and depression was very intense. As soon as my daughter was out of sight, I was full of fear of something bad happening to her (being a lone, young woman), and also really depressed to let her go. I remember a couple nights alone in the hotel where I hardly slept, partly due to jetlag, and partly due to sheer emotional stress.

But I thought about it, and I realized that beyond practical concerns, I was deeply clinging to my daughter. I like to think I was a pretty involved parent, and that I did my best to be both a good father and a friend, and suddenly 18 years of this was ripped away the moment that we set foot in Ireland, and my mind couldn’t handle the abrupt change. In short, I think part of my panic was grounded in ego as a parent. Once I realized my selfish ego was driving this panic, I paused.

Thinking about this further, the only way she would prosper was to let her get on her feet, help when she needs help, but otherwise, give her space to grown and learn. In short, I had to trust her.

This was hard at first, but I kept reminding myself “trust her, trust her” and by and by I learned to let go. Instead of constantly trying to protect her, I encouraged her, provided any advice I could, and let her explore the city herself. She got lost a couple times on the Luas (got off at the wrong stop), but soon she started finding shops she liked, and could get to and from Dublin city centre without issue.

So, by the end, things were looking up: my daughter was getting on her feet, and we had met a few friends who all happily wanted to help her, and we enjoyed some pub visits, and good European food.

The point of all this, I guess, is that if you are a parent, and you are dreading your children leaving the nest, ask yourself how much of this is concern for your kids, and how much of this is concern for yourself. My job, as a parent, is to provide a safe, loving environment as they grow, but I don’t own my kids. That’s just ego.

Namu Shakamuni Butsu

Update: After I wrote this post, my daughter texted us to let us know she had made some friends already. 🥰

P.S. Unrelated, but September 9th is the Day of the Chrysanthemum holiday in Japan. If you can, maybe decorate the house with a few chrysanthemums, or enjoy the weather with a friend. Happy Day of the Chrysanthemum to you all.

P.P.S. Happy Star Trek Day (September 8th)! Live long and prosper. 🖖🏼

¹ It’s hard to explain: when I am in the US, there’s always a subtle feeling of tension. Not just recently, but even 15 years ago when I first came back to the US. When I am Ireland, everything feels more relaxed. The way people talk to one another, even when they tease each other, etc. Dublin city centre at night has plenty of drunks stumbling about, racial tension toward immigrants, and fist fights, but somehow everything feels less …. contentious. Since many Americans don’t travel, we don’t realize how wound up we are.